Most everyone has some kind of title that they hold. Some are teachers, some are police officers, some are firefighters, the list can go on and on. The best, most rewarding one is being a Mama. My title as Mama was taken completely out of my arms August 12th. I feel like I am back in my freshman year of college. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life at that time. I am now left with the question “what now, God?”
You always dream of the day you will get married as a little girl. You also always dream of having kids. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I sat and cried at my desk at work. While I was so happy, I was completely horrified. I was horrified of being a terrible Mom. I mean, lets be real, I could not even remember to turn off my straightener, sometimes. How was I going to take care of another human being? The day before Sikes was born I went to Tippah Lake and I prayed. I always went there when I had something I really needed to talk to God about. I always felt closer to Him there for some reason. I felt peace come over me after I left there that evening.
After I went back to work from maternity leave our life fell into a complete routine. When I got home it was playtime. Then, it was followed with supper, bath time, and then bed time or “Sikes and Mama time.” I would usually rock or watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse until he fell over. (Literally, fall over lol) Unless Paul and I were out of town, that was our EVERY night routine. After August 12th occurred, I have struggled with finding my new routine. Now, I go to work, come home, and go to bed. That is where the question “what now, God” comes in.
I miss being a Mama so bad. I miss everything about it. It is one of the most terrifying, most tiring, yet most awesome title a woman can hold. I pray that every woman will be able to experience it. I also pray that no mother ever takes their kids for granted. I would never compare my life to Mary, but I now know what kind of emptiness she felt when she had to watch her son die. She watched her son die for OUR sins and no one will ever know that pain. People still say “you are young. You can still have more children.” Are those children Sikes? No. He is the child I was supposed to plan a 1st birthday for. He was the child that I was supposed to be taking to the pumpkin patch, finding a Halloween costume for, and planning all sorts of crazy stuff to do for Christmas. He was the child I had a future for.
This is one of the many burdens that I have had to lay at the feet of Jesus. I have put my whole life at the feet of Jesus these last few months and I plan to continue to trust Him. I am pretty sure when I start my prayers everyday He takes a deep breath. I keep Him pretty busy. I trust that He will answer my question. If that means that I will be a mother to another child, someday, then that is what I will do. I know He will show me my purpose, again. I know there are so many people trying to find their purpose. Some praying for the day that they become “Mama.” I know people are asking that same question I am asking, also. It may be a different situation or it may be the same. Whatever it is, lay it at His feet and leave it there. While I am over here yelling “answer me,” He is working, but in His time. He is working in everyone’s life. I lean on the verse in Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” I am sure most of you are thinking “how generic,” but this verse is SO true! Prayer is a powerful thing, y’all. I would not have come this far without it and without trusting God. He is the only one who can mend hearts and answer the questions no one else can. He is putting my broken heart together second by second.